death to self=LIFE.

Sometimes I get in these weird moods where I am just disgusted with all of this. The world and its materialistic view of everything. Our false gods. Looking cool. Being so stinking comfortable and complacent. Politics (from both sides). Our cushy little college lives, sitting at the library on our laptops and iPhones, drinking $4 coffees that are paid for with our parents' money, whining about how we have so much to do. Facebook, Formspring, stupid websites that feed our vanity. Everything I live for that is not God. I get so sick of always living for myself. Sometimes it makes me want to ditch everything and go live on the streets or something. I would not be productive whatsoever in doing that, but you get my point.

It just kind of puts things in perspective for me. What the hell am I doing? I am not living everyday as an example of what the Almighty God can do in a persons life. I am not reaching out to the lost souls, but instead turning my nose up at them with my 'holier than thou' attitude. What is the point of my existence if I am not breathing every single breath for the Lord? I could achieve the 'American Dream' with a wonderful husband, a few kids, a good living. I could make a name for myself so that when I die, people will remember me. I could spend the next 60-70 years on this earth living the perfect life I always dreamed of, but what would it matter? Honestly, what good am I doing for God's kingdom by chasing after this dream? None. Nothing on this whole planet matters more than this...

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'^a]"> This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:36-40

"If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus." Blue Like Jazz

This life is meaningless if I am not laying down my life every single day in service to Jesus who sacrificed everything for me.

i'm in repair. i'm not together, but i'm getting there.

God, take this junk out of my life. Take these feelings that remind me of my failures and shortcomings, and turn them into hopes. I pray that I can yearn for no one but You, and that no matter what broken well I run to, I will always come up dry. I pray that I will come back to You always, because Your well overflows with life-giving, thirst-quenching, soul-satisfying water. Heal my heart of the damage I have done to it. I know You can do it, God, and help me to remember that I cannot on my own. My heart will forever be destroyed without Your gracious hand putting it back together, strengthening it for future temptations. I am sorry for letting it go so easily and losing sight of where it truly belongs. I give everything to You, God. Be my portion, my complete satisfaction, my rock, shield, reward. Please give me wisdom, and complete and total peace.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

Questa estate sarà diversa. Addio al mio rammarico.

psalm 27.

I am so excited I could burst. I go to Salerno in a little over two months, and 99.9% of me just wants to go to sleep tonight, skip the next two months, and wake up in Italy. I don't know what to expect, I don't know anyone who is going, I don't know how I am going to evangelize to Italian students who are all going to be way smarter than I am, but that's what I need. I need to get out of this little bubble, always hanging out with the same people, (there's nothing wrong with that, but when you have one group of friends and you are called to be reaching out to the lost, it's a problem.) always doing the same things, always stuck in a routine. I feel like my life right now is just really quite boring. The idea of going into completed uncharted territory (figuratively) is appealing and I cannot wait to see what God is going to do with this Summer. It is also going to test my trust in the Lord. Right now it is being tested financially. And when May 16 rolls around, it will test it even more, pushing the boundaries of my little bubble of safety and comfort. I will be forced to make all new friends and put myself out there and reach people for Christ. I have never done anything like this, and I know my life is going to change because of it. I pray that God will use me and that when I am afraid, and even when I am not, I will fall back on Him, knowing He will strengthen me and humble me. I am itching to get out of here, but right now I need to focus on trusting God with this money.

Lord, please help me get through the next two months. Help me not to be impatient, but excited and hopeful. God, prepare my heart for the people I am going to meet, and prepare theirs for me. Break it and give me a burden for the lost. Right now, help me trust in You for this money. I have never had that much money in my life at one time, so the thought of raising all of it in two months is terrifying. But Lord, You said NOTHING is impossible for You. Help me not to ever forget that.

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek. Psalm 27:8

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14