randomity.

I've been wanting to write a blog for a while, but I always get started on something and end up not finishing it. There is a lot going on in my head right now...too much to just pick one thing to write about, so I thought I would just give an overview. It always helps to get things out of your head anyways, and maybe whoever is reading this will benefit. Who knows. Basically, this is a really random, rough blog post. Bear with me.

(Oh, and Sasha inspired the use of some photos I have saved that I really like...I think I'm going to start posting more in upcoming blogs...thanks girl :])

• Things change. People change. I change. No one is to blame but life and time. What would be the point if everything stayed the same comfortable way it always is? But darn it, I just miss things. Nostalgia is not always a good thing. It actually makes me pretty depressed at times. People who I used to be so close to, I don't even talk to anymore, or at least not about anything substantial. Music I used to like I don't listen to anymore. Things I used to enjoy I don't enjoy anymore. I know this is life. The only hope I have to hold onto is that my Father never changes. In every season of my life, He is present, whether He is carrying me, walking by my side, or chasing me. Yesterday, today, forever. Thank you for this truth, Lord.
• I want my faith to be refined as gold. The temperature heats up, the impurities rise to the top and are scooped out, and all that remains is a beautiful, shiny piece of gold. I want God to turn up the heat just enough to make me uncomfortable so that my impurities will rise to the surface. I want to get rid of this crap that holds me back. And I want God to make me like this beautiful, shiny piece of gold. I want my life to be the work of His hands. This has been my prayer the past few days. God has slowly begun to reveal these impurities to me, and I've been trying to just lean on Him completely. I'll let you know how it goes.
• I don't have to try so hard. I know to a lot of people, it probably looks like I don't try at all, but they don't know what I'm thinking. I think I'm pretty good at making it look like I don't try, when really my heart is a crazy, anxious, impatient, nervous, jealous, beating beast of a thing. If/when God reveals my husband to me, I know it will reassure how stupid and psycho I have been when it comes to guys. He will be following hard after the Lord and willing to pursue me relentlessly. It's his job, not mine. I don't have to fret about how I look. I don't have to be impatient and start a conversation because I have to make it happen and somehow make myself the object of his affection. I don't have to be sitting here wondering what he is thinking. All my fruitless efforts are going to make me feel like an idiot because it's going to happen how it was supposed to happen all along. Patience is the key word.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will rest in hope.
For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.
You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:9-11

identity crisis.

Lately, I have been pretty depressed. Situations that happened recently caused me to feel really guilty to the point of wanting to just get in bed, throw the covers over my head and bawl my eyes out. I know I did the right thing here, but I can't help but wonder because I did this, are people judging me? Do they think I am a big pile of crap? Because I really feel like one.

In the midst of this, God really spoke to me. He said, "Skylar, your identity is in Me, not these things you are going through." God doesn't literally speak to me in an audible voice, but that's what I was feeling from Him. It really got me thinking today about all the things I find my identity in except Christ. This whole idea of identity has been swirling around my brain all day.

When my eyes are not focused directly above, they wander, looking for other things to relate and identify with. They find something and are satisfied for a brief moment, but once they are bored with that, they move on to other things. Hopping from one identity to the next is completely exhausting. The feeling is like being without a home. If you don't believe me, just look around at all the unhappy people in the world. The worldly things they think define themselves are the very things that are making them miserable. If you still don't believe me, you're probably in denial.

I am one of those people. I get distracted and forget who I am in Christ. I don't realize that my identity is not and never will be found in these things...
my past mistakes, what other people think about me, my appearance, being a 'good Christian girl,' my friends, my relationship status, my grades, the amount of money I have in my bank account, my career choice, the school I go to, any boy I like, whether or not I get married someday, who likes me, who doesn't like me, my family, my talents, my quirks, my habits, my job, my morals and values, being a leader in CRU, how big or small my community group is, the deepest, darkest parts of my soul, and most of all, my sins, past, present, and future.

When I try to find comfort in these things, and I do, my entire being can't function. Sure, I'll keep breathing and my heart will continue beating, but I won't be truly living alive, just going through the motions. It is only when I know my identity is in Christ that I am made whole, and I can be truly joyful, not just fake happy.

Lord, thank You that I do not have to search for myself in these things. Thank You that I am completely covered by Your blood, and since I have accepted You, You are my definition, not the aforementioned things. You are wonderful and You deserve nothing less than my entire life, Jesus. Remind me everyday who I am in You...
a child of God, a friend of God, adopted, an heir of a mighty kingdom, light of the world, a co-heir with Christ, redeemed, forgiven, justified, free from condemnation, a new creation, a member of Your body, a saint, holy and blameless, a citizen of Heaven, rescued, a stranger to this world, a conquerer.

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand"